I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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