does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
