You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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