If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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