I need help removing her.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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