I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
