I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
