First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Girls should come with a carfax report
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
