she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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