It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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