my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
