I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
