I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
