I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
