Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
