I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
