watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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