I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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