Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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