If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
