Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
