just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
