do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
