mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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