I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
