Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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