I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
