i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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