I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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