i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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