Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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