i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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