I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
