Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
