She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
