I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
