So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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