k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
