i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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