i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
