how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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