it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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