It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
All the doctor said was why
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
