Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
