Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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