She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
