Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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