dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
