You really coming over, don't trick.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
