Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
